I’m sitting at the Oslo library looking out over the harbor as I write this new blog post. The last time I blogged I was in Bali, and I had thought that I would have written another post a little sooner, but ever since then it has been one thing after the other, and I haven’t really felt ready until now. The equinox and astrological new year came and went, and although there have been a lot of energetic shifts in recent weeks, I haven’t really felt the new year energy fully land until this Aries new moon yesterday.
With the pile-up of planets in Aries right now the energy of the ram is definitely strong, yet I still can’t say that I am in a full-steam-ahead state of mind. I don’t know if that is due to Neptune, Saturn or Chiron putting some breaks on, but although I do feel that things are moving forward more than before, I still don’t feel quite ready to forge ahead like the ram or gallop off into the sunset in true firehorse fashion. I didn’t feel that way with the Chinese new year when the year of the firehorse began, nor did I feel that way with the astrological new year. Granted Mercury was in retrograde back then, so at least for me it has taken some time to get up to speed.
I’m still in process, clearing and healing, and with my natal Chiron in Aries conjunct my IC both within a few degrees of this new moon (I guess I’m still somewhat in my Chiron return at the moment), I’ve been feeling it quite strongly. I had a situation at work last weekend that triggered me a fair bit, and brought up some wounding around my identity and perfectionism. It was an interesting experience though in some ways, as the way I reacted to the incident wasn’t as dramatic as it would have been in the past. I basically made a mistake at work. It wasn’t anything major, but a little clash between the people-pleaser in me and the wanna-be leader within.
What happened was that my mind was ruminating over the incident afterwards, replaying it in my head with what I should have said or done differently. I woke up in the middle of the night the next two nights and lay awake for a while doing this. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this. What was different was that I didn’t feel any pain, anxiety or stress in my body to accompany this rumination. I felt that I didn’t really care all that much about having to be liked by the people who I had wronged in the incident, which is quite different to how I felt in the past when something similar happened. I take that to mean that I have cleared out the majority of trauma that would have initiated a crisis mode in my body in the past. I still felt energy being activated in my body, but not pain per se. My emotional body was completely still.
The mind still acted like before, though, so I guess that still needs to be worked on, but that’s okay. I’m sure the mind will learn to relax, too, in time. Something else that I noticed after the fact, though, was that when I owned up to having made a mistake, both to management and the people involved, a part of me half expected that they would look at me or treat me differently, perhaps thinking that I wasn’t leadership material or something to that effect, but that didn’t happen either. So my wounded self got to experience that it is safe to mess up, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that I would suffer irreparable consequences. That was an important healing experience, as it is clear that there was trauma stuck in my body around this particular aspect.
My wound around perfectionism, which I have known about for a long time and written about before on this blog, is what got triggered here, as I have felt, and I suppose still do to some extent, a lot of trauma surrounding this. I believe it is tied to what I wrote about in my previous post, my ritual abuse trauma from a past life. It’s almost like I could literally see and feel the humiliation of being chastised in front of a group of other children, when this wound got triggered again this time. There is obviously a lot there that needs to be cleared out, and I’m sure not all is said and done on this subject as far as I am concerned, but it was nice to experience that at least some wounding has been let go of.
Something else that I have gotten clarity about recently, is another aspect of my astrological birth chart. I read some post on Instagram, I think, I don’t remember who posted it, about the sun in the houses, and what it means to have your sun in a specific house. Mine is in my 1st house, and that means, according to what I read, that this life is all about being myself fully and completely. That really hit home for me, as I do feel that authenticity has been a major focus in my process of late, and it’s really about learning to feel safe being myself. I’ve come to understand that I haven’t felt safe being myself at all, most of my life, which I also think the ritual abuse wound has been a major cause of. Chiron conjunct my IC in Aries is also relevant to this, I feel, which happens to be in my 5th house.
Also, with my Saturn in Leo (Leo is related to the 5th house), it looks like I’m working through a lot of inner child wounding that has been blocking my creativity, joy and the expression of my true self in this lifetime. Creativity and true self expression is also related to the throat chakra, and I’ve been dealing with some pain in the back of my neck since last October. It was gradually getting better, and almost gone, but then this week, after the incident, it flared up again. I’m a firm believer in the connection between bodily pain and emotional trauma, so I don’t think this is a coincidence at all. I think it’s quite interesting to see how all this connects and how it is showing me the deeper wounds of my identity, really, and how they play out in my life as well as how they show up on my astrological birth chart.
Well, that was a lot of astrology and metaphysics all at once, and I’m sorry, if it got a litt bit too complex… Anyway, to me it’s quite helpful to understand myself and my journey through these tools. Having said that, I’m sure the work isn’t done (is it ever…😅?) and that’s okay. I’m ready to continue for as long as it takes, especially since I’m really beginning to see the fruits of my labor now. My energy field is much lighter, and my pain body is getting clearer, which is amazing to experience. So I will continue in true Saturn fashion, leaving no stone unturned (the journey doesn’t really allow for anything else, anyway), and will expect even greater rewards in the time to come.
With that, I will wrap up this post. I hope the new moon and Aries stellium hasn’t been too intense for you, and wish you all the best on your own healing journey. 💕
Sending you, as always, much love and light!
Divine Love Alchemy 