By the time I write this post, we’re deep into Cancer season, and for me, the wave of energy that began at the Summer Solstice has just been continuing to work on me, in both positive and challenging ways, although it’s all a good thing really. I’ve had trouble sleeping because of these energies and what they have brought up for me, although last night I was finally able to sleep, and so I think I ended up overindulging a little, so today I felt a little bit heavy and lethargic once I finally got out of bed. I had initially planned to work on my music today, but wasn’t really feeling it when I woke up, and so I decided to get out of the house and blog a little instead.
All these energies have made me feel a little sensitive and so, like the crab, I guess I felt the need to pull into my shell a little, slowing down and going inwards, nurturing myself and my inner child. I’ve been reading a book recently that a friend of mine wrote, and it has some exercises that I’ve been delving into a little bit (the book is called Happily Ever Now by Nanci Reed, in case you’re wondering). One of the exercises that I did recently, was to look back at my life both through the lens of the perfectionist, and through the lens of love, and then emphasize a particular incident that I found hard to forgive myself for or accept about myself.
For me, I realized one of the things that I have difficulty accepting and have felt a lot of shame around is my tendency to let men convince or manipulate me to do things I didn’t really want to do. When I say tendency I suppose that’s an exaggeration, as it has maybe happened 3-4 times in my life and to varying degrees, although there is one particular incident that stands out the most, that made me feel so ashamed that I lied about it afterwards. These incidents were sexual in nature, and I believe that at some point I was molded into feeling like I had to accept these advances, otherwise something bad would happen. I think mostly this conditioning originates in past lives, although I did experience an uncomfortable encounter or two in my childhood too, that may have played a part.
So when I looked at this incident (and general behavior) through my perfectionist lens, I was very hard on myself, thinking “what’s wrong with you, don’t you know how to say no”, “get a backbone” and similar such attacks. It definitely brought up all my shame, and made me feel like I was a powerless creature, and that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. When I looked at it through the lens of love, though, I could see how much of my behavior was a conditioned response in me, and that my inability to say no in that particular instance, was because of trauma that I had experienced before, particularly in past lives, and also due to not having good role models to teach me strong boundaries when I was growing up. I suppose a fundamental underlying feeling was that I wasn’t worth standing up for. So the lens of love softened my approach, and it made me feel like I was worth loving, even if I hadn’t behaved “perfectly” in this incident.
As I continued to think back at this event and my behavioral pattern of saying yes when I really want to say no, I realize that my healing process in recent years has really been a lot about clearing out shame that I have felt around myself and who I am. I think that for most of my life I have been looking at myself through the perfectionist lens, and have been so hard on myself in so many ways, like I didn’t deserve my own love because of some undefined unworthiness. Yet now it has brought me to a point that I can begin to love myself and my inner child even if I’m not perfect. I can look at shameful incidents and feel love for myself, for that hurt inner child that ended up making those mistakes, something that I’ve never been able to do before.
To take this even further, I also think this ties into my twin flame journey in that I have felt unworthy of the pure love that I felt from my twin, and have subsequently pushed him away in many ways (although I’m not really the so-called “runner” in our connection). I think much of the anger and hurt I have felt because of things he did (or didn’t) do, is just as much directed at myself, and helped open me up to look at my own shadow and how I’m also guilty in doing all the things I accused my twin of doing. But once I started to look at all that, I could begin to heal and forgive, both myself and my twin. I still haven’t healed it all fully, yet I feel a new phase has begun, and the energy in the connection is beginning to feel different, too.
I felt the need for so long to try and push him away, that I needed to let him go, yet in doing so I think I also pushed away from myself and the real lesson in all of it. And of course, it doesn’t work that way anyway, you don’t “get over” someone by trying to push them away. Acceptance and forgiveness is what will eventually do that, and then you probably won’t even feel the need to “get over” them anymore. Yet, acceptance and forgiveness on this journey goes much deeper than just forgiving what happened on the “surface”, as it has shown me all the things I need to forgive and accept within myself, too. Both things I did and didn’t do to him, but perhaps even more importantly, to myself. And the truth is once I begin to love and accept myself more, I also love and accept him more too. But at the same time, I let go of how love and acceptance needs to look (it doesn’t have to end up in a relationship).
The more I heal and nurture my inner child, the more joy and creative inspiration comes, and it’s helping to me feel alive like never before. I feel excited for life and what it has to bring now more than ever, with or without my twin. So I will continue to nurture that as Cancer season continues, and for as long as it takes, to come back to myself. And who knows, maybe my twin will meet me there. Or not. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is being fully myself, and follow the journey of my soul. And then, all will be well.
With that I wish you a continued, beautiful Cancer season, and hope you take some time to nurture yourself and your creative endeavors. As always, I send you much love & light!
Divine Love Alchemy 