It’s a pretty gray day here in Oslo, Norway, as I write this new post. I’m back at my old haunt, the library, and looking out at the city and harbor below me. There is ice on the fjord, and quite a bit of snow, as we’ve had the coldest and most snow-filled winter in memory. It really has been a bit much at times, and I’ve been seriously thinking about finding a way to work in warmer places during the winter months going forward, but… I’ve also survived it, and there’s something to be said for adversity making you stronger. And now that we’re arriving on the other side of it, I am in some ways glad to have had the experience, and the knowing of what I can withstand and get through. It’s just a matter of mindset.
In the thick of winter, cold weather and snow, it has also been the season for a bit of intense inner work, as I’ve once again gone deep and unearthed a new pattern of mine, that has to do with trauma bonding. Ever since I was a little girl, I seem to have attracted people to me who are different, troubled somehow or unpopular. It used to bother me back then, as you want to be accepted by your peers, and silly as it is, being associated with the unpopular kids doesn’t give you any social credit. I can remember this incident involving a girl who had some intellectual disabilities and didn’t have many friends. She used to always ask to sit next to me on the school bus, perhaps because I must have seemed approachable and unassuming to her in some ways. But one day I had enough, and told her no when she asked to sit next to me, and I could see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes as she went to sit somewhere else. And she never asked me again. So I guess I got what I wanted, but I have to admit it didn’t really sit entirely well with me. Part of me felt bad about it, and it didn’t make me feel like a good person.
To be honest, this feeling of being tainted by association is something that has lingered with me in adulthood, too, to some extent, and although I’m not proud to admit it, has made me shy away from certain acquaintances. I realize now that it is silly to think this way, especially since it can be really interesting to talk to people with different experiences and perspectives, and even if they may be a little different, I don’t get “tainted” from talking to them. And in fact, I guess I am a little bit alternative and different myself, and if I try to just be like everybody else and hang with the “normal” crowd to be accepted, I may just miss out on connecting with my own soul tribe, as my preconceived prejudice could get in the way.
Having said this though, there is another side to this coin, where I also have made excuses for people and their differences, feeling like I should be more accepting of personality traits and putting up with stuff for too long, when I really didn’t like it. I have gone into romantic relationships with people that had issues and basically overlooked them, just because they gave me love and a sense of security (something that I chased due to my abandonment wound). And because I grew up with a mother (and later a brother) with severe mental issues, I felt guilty when I didn’t accept people and their issues, as I felt that I in some way then rejected my mother and brother.
But there is a difference between being accepting of people and their shortcomings, and actually blatantly ignoring them, and even going into a relationship with them. Of course, I didn’t see this pattern of mine when I did go into these relationships, as it was an unconscious wound controlling me, but I feel that this is where the trauma bonding came in. I think my own wounding identified with their wounds, and somehow that attracted me to them. Perhaps I also had a need to rescue them, as I wanted to rescue my mother from her pain in my childhood. I guess I had this idea that if I just loved them enough, that would heal them, but of course, that isn’t how things work. I think that’s even what attracted me to my twin flame (and other past boyfriends) in the beginning was his cockiness and apparent self-confidence, as an antidote to all of this, but that was an illusion too, of course. Cockiness isn’t true confidence.
Anyway, now that I’ve been able to look at these patterns of mine, I can see that my past actions were all wrong. In hindsight, I should have felt confident enough to allow the little girl on the school bus to sit next to me (although my little girl self didn’t have that kind of confidence, of course), and I shouldn’t have gone into a relationship with those men, when those issues were there from the get go (or at least there were red flags), that I chose to ignore. But I suppose that was my pattern too, jumping into relationships all too quickly, because my unhealthy need for love and companionship was greater than the love for myself. I could have been their friend, that would probably have been a healthier response. But we live and learn, and hopefully as I heal more, these will be my responses in the future, and I can stand in my confidence, not needing to associate with the right people to feel accepted, or go into a relationship with someone due to trauma bonding.
As always, these lessons don’t always come easy, but it’s very gratifying when you can see your patterns and release them for good, little by little. And as the astrological year comes to a close (we’re in Pisces season now, the last sign of the zodiac), it feels good to wave goodbye to another dysfunctional part of me, and feeling one step closer to wholeness and inner union.
With that, I sign off for today, and as always send you much love & light!
Divine Love Alchemy 