I’m back at my favorite spot at the Oslo library as I write this new post, up on the 3rd floor, overlooking the harbor and the Opera House. It’s a relatively nice day here in Oslo today, weather wise. Enjoying a bit of sun and some clouds mixed in, during these last days of summer. We’re still in Venus retrograde, and this week Mercury also joined the retrograde party. Now we have a total of 5 major planets in retrograde, plus two more to follow soon. I don’t know about you, but I have definitely felt some sluggish energies this week. I had planned to have a productive week and get lots of vocals recorded, but I guess the universe had other plans…
I had scheduled to write my new blog post last week, but that also didn’t happen, as things got a bit busy, both internally and externally, you can say. One the one hand I had a weekend work shift, and they are always intense for me. Then coming off the Lion’s gate and Venus retrograde still looming, I had some stuff come up that I needed to sort through, and just wasn’t in the frame of mind to write about it at that point. Some things got triggered within me once again, as I met with a new guy a couple of times, and confusion set in as I was trying to sort out what kind of relationship I wanted with him.
My abandonment wound got triggered once again. It is more exposed these days, as I’ve been working my way through a lot of my wounds. The padding that used to be around my heart and my wounding is largely gone, so it is easier and quicker to get to the source of things. So my abandonment wound was triggered, and as a result there was a little bit a of a battle within me, as my wounded self was trying to come up with reasons to keep this guy in my life, so that I could get the love I (or my wounded self) so desperately crave, even though I knew deep down from the get go really, that there wouldn’t be any serious or lasting romantic connection with this man.
This is a pattern that became even more clear to me this time, although I’m aware that I have done this many times before. In fact, I think I have done this in most of my past relationships, or with potential partners, where I’m creating scenarios and making too much of a connection, my romantic fantasies getting ahead of themselves, and then I have tended to latch on to a person and moving ahead way too fast, because my wounded self needs to feel secure and loved, ignoring any red flags and my gut/intuition trying to tell me to slow down and get to know the person better. I tried to do this with my twin flame too, in the beginning , and of course, he would have none of it.
I think that initial incident with my twin flame, was what made me see this unhealthy pattern of mine of always rushing into relationships, and since then a large part of my process has been to uncover more areas and ways where I’ve been manipulative in relation to men (because let’s face it, that’s what it is), in order to get the love that I wanted (or thought I wanted). I have been talked into having sex too soon for this reason, some part of me thinking that if I give the guy what he wants, he’ll give me what I want (which is love), but that backfired, of course, and it all just blew up in my face. This last part happened with a guy I dated a bit on and off last year and the year before, but when he came back a 3rd time, I had finally learned my lesson, so I didn’t fall for it again.
What has made things a bit more complex at times, is that I have felt that there has been some deeper connection with some of these guys, yet that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the right thing to move into anything sexual or romantic with them. But because of my wounding, that is what I did. Some of the men I had karmic ties to, so that was important, of course, to clear and release, but beyond that, I really needed to learn the lesson of patience, and taking my time when meeting someone new, not jumping into assumptions or creating imaginary scenarios, which I would construe into being my intuition, when it was really my wounds talking.
This time, though, I actually managed to do better. I met with this new man a couple of times, and although propositions were made, I did not act on them. We didn’t even kiss, although I did find the man physically attractive. So that was good to experience. Yet, I can see now, after our last meeting and after working through my triggers that came up in retrospect, that I did still try to create some scenarios, like I mentioned earlier in the post, mostly in my head, but I also hinted at things in the way I talked to him, where my wounded part could get satisfied. Thankfully, I didn’t act on anything until I could look at it and become clear on what I was really doing.
If there was some deeper meaning, some purpose to me meeting this man, I suppose it was to become aware of and clear this pattern of mine. So if I was trying to construe a deeper meaning, perhaps I wasn’t completely wrong in doing so. I’m quite grateful, actually, to have been able to see and heal a little bit more of my abandonment wound, and my unhealthy neediness for love. If there is anything more there, as far as things me and this man can do for each other to help each other heal, only time will tell, but I know that I’m of course not fully healed yet. Venus retrograde is still not over, so we’ll see how my journey will unfold going forward, during the retrograde and beyond, and how I will unravel the remainder of my wound. I trust that my guides and my Higher Self will be there with me every step of the way, though, continuing to guide my journey, as they have been doing so far.
With that I sign off for now, and I hope that you are able to work through the twists and turns that this Venus retrograde is surely bringing to the table for you, as well, and I wish you all the best with that.
As always, sending you much love & light!
Divine Love Alchemy 