I’m sitting on the train as I begin this new post. It’s a little shaky, so I’m having intermittent issues with typing as my hands keep being jolted in one direction or another, but I’ll get by. I’ve always felt kind of inspired to write whenever I’m traveling, especially by train. I don’t know if it’s the movement, or perhaps the feeling of freedom as you’re going to new (or old) places, but somehow it opens up something within me. A creative space of some kind. I’ve written several songs when sitting on buses or trains, and today, a new blog post.
We’re still in the midst of Venus retrograde, and Leo season, and I still feel like I’m working through issues around self-love, money (to some degree) and clearing away old grief. Although it hasn’t been so much of that last one in recent days. My heart keeps opening up, although there’s still more work to do. Perhaps there always will be, yet there are milestones and new phases to reach, and as I keep clearing stuff out, I keep feeling lighter and freer. This definitely has an impact on my creativity, and just feeling inspired to work with my music is something that is happening more and more these days.
I got so used to the feeling of wanting to do that, but almost always feeling blocked in some way, that now that I don’t really feel that anymore, it almost feels a little strange. I guess I’m just not used to things being like that, but I’m not complaining, of course. It’s a great relief to be able to have come through and released all that. Although I have been able to get some stuff done in recent years, I often had to force myself to try to overcome my own blocks and resistance, and it was a heavy way to work. And it’s not so easy to be creative and productive when you feel that way. Even if you’re passionate about the work.
I always had the faith though, that if I kept working on healing and clearing out old wounds, that things would get easier. Yet it still surprised me a little when it started to happen. But it proved my point in a way, that old wounds and trauma more than anything else, is what holds us back from being able to create and live our lives to the fullest. We can do all kinds of mindset work, but it’s not enough when there are deeper issues that hold us back. And these issues are mostly in our subconscious, so we’re not aware of them in our day to day lives. Yet, they impact our lives, the way we think and act in such profound ways, which we’re not really able to fully see, until they’re brought up to the surface for healing and release.
You perhaps wouldn’t think that lack of self-love could have such a strong impact on your creativity and ability to do the things you love, but it really does. And I suppose it makes sense too, when you think about it. Because when I don’t love myself, I don’t feel deep down that I deserve to have any of that. Feelings of shame and victimhood go deep, and we may not even be aware of them until we dig deeper. I’ve had many rounds where I’ve uncovered those feelings within myself, for different reasons, so it’s often not enough to just uncover them once. There are many layers to the onion of healing, and just this past weekend I got confronted with it once again and had to work through some stuff.
I’ve been working in a job for a while now that I’ve had mixed feelings about, and it has been challenging on many levels. One issue is that I sometimes work very long hours, several days in a row, and it affects my sleep. It can be very tiring and I really have to push myself sometimes when I work the weekend shifts, especially, to pull through. Of course, being in this deep healing process, it makes me extra tired, so it’s a balancing act at times, to deal with it all. Yet, I don’t want to go back on sick leave, which I was for a while last year, and finding another job isn’t really an alternative either, at least not right now. At times I have felt a bit stuck in this situation, yet I also feel that some of my issues with this job have triggered me in an ultimately positive way, as they have brought up issues that I’ve then been able to work through and release.
This is what happened once again this past weekend, when I realized that I have a tendency to go into a victim mentality and feel sorry for myself when feeling “forced to” work this job, which I realized only make things worse. So I decided to not fall into that trap again. Whenever feelings of victimhood would present themselves, which they invariably did, I refused to let them get a foothold. And although I slept terribly, and felt quite exhausted by the end of my shift, I still felt quite strong mentally and emotionally, because I didn’t fall for the victimhood trap again. And actually, when I got the clarity that my victim mentality was part of the culprit in making my job worse, it also helped me sleep a little better, so there was that, too…
I will add, though, that I think it can sometimes be a bit of a challenge to know the difference of when to lean into something and go deeper, feeling into a feeling, and when to just let it go. But I feel that I have explored my victim mentality at length and know more or less what it stems from, so sometimes it’s just a matter of just stopping an unhealthy habit or thinking pattern. So this time that is what felt appropriate. I’m also not sure I would have been able to just stop going into my victim mentality like that, unless it was time and I was ready for it. In the end, it was actually more of a mindset shift that was needed this time, yet I could only do that because of all the underlying trauma I have worked through before.
So that’s my little story today, of how I overcame some of my victimhood mentality in this recent experience of mine. I hope you can find some support and gain some understanding through my writings that can be of benefit to your own healing and growth, too. And with that I wish you a beautiful day, and as always sending you much love & light!
Divine Love Alchemy 